I feel like I'm losing control of myself, I sincerely apologize if all that I sound like is I'm complaining, but life keeps on complicating, and I'm debating on leaving this world. This evening even my girls could see I'm grieving. I try and hide it but I can't, why do I act like I'm all high and mighty when inside I'm dying and I am finally realizing I need help? I can't do it by myself, too weak, 2 weeks I've been having ups and downs, going through peaks and valleys, dilly dallying around with the idea of ending the shit right here. I'm hating my reflection, I walk around the house trying to fight mirrors, I can't stand what I look like, I look fat, but what do I care? I give a fuck, only thing I fear is Hailie, I'm afraid if I close my eyes I might see her, shit.

My friends can't understand this new me, that's understandable man, but just think how bananas you'd be! you'd be an animal too, if you were trapped in this pain and caged in it like a zoo and everybody's looking at you, what you want me to do? I'm starting to live like a recluse and the truth is, pain's starting to give me an excuse to be at all time low.