I KNOW I'M UNLOVEABLE

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME

MESSAGE RECEIVED LOUD AND CLEAR

LOUD AND CLEAR

Siempre que estoy perdida siento la necesidad de escribir. Tengo un problema muy grande con entender qué quiero y conseguirlo. Debería moverme y buscar algo que me llene pero en cambio me quedo sentada pensando todas las opciones que tengo y no haciendo nada. Eso está mal y lo quiero cambiar. Quiero cambiar todo lo que soy todo el tiempo. Incluso pedí ayuda, la recibí, me dijeron exactamente lo que tenía que hacer y acá estoy: pensando, no haciendo. Mi psicóloga siempre me dice que soy todo teoría y nada de práctica. 

Anoche un amigo me preguntó qué me gusta de mi y le respondí que nada. Ahora, pensando mejor, me di cuenta que lo que más me gusta de mi es que siempre tengo ganas y fuerzas para mejorar. Es algo que admiro mucho de mi misma y algo que siento que puedo enseñarle a los demás. Siempre se qué necesito cambiar, siempre se me ocurre una forma de mejorar, siempre puedo identificar en qué cosas estoy fallando o qué podría pulir. 
Creo que debería aferrarme a eso y tratar de probar cosas nuevas siempre. Se que en algún momento voy a encontrar algo que me haga muy feliz, y todo este esfuerzo va a tener sentido. 

Estuve tratando de buscar una palabra para explicar la dualidad de estar ahí y no estar. Algo que resumiera la incertidumbre de mirar a los ojos y entender que ahí no hay nada, la pregunta sin respuesta, el espacio vacío. La sonrisa que no se devuelve. La inquietud de escuchar un "acá voy a estar" y sentirse desnudo, desprotegido. El desarraigo de saberse hijo de una tierra que no te pertenece. Solamente se me ocurrió tu nombre. 

It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default.

DON'T WASTE YOUR HEART

I will always want myself. Always. Darling, I wrote myself a love poem two nights ago. I don’t know where you get this from but I am whole; woman who grows flowers between her teeth. I tend to my garden. I dance myself out of pain. You think women like me crawl for pity? You ever seen the offspring of a lion eat grass? This wanting of myself gets stronger with age. I host myself to myself. I am whole.

At some point you have to stop being angry, you have to stop being so sad, you have to stop killing yourself and start being gentle with yourself. At some point you have to just let it all go and be happy, you have to spread love instead of being afraid of it. You have to love yourself and everyone around you before it's too late. Don't waste away being unhappy over trivial things, dear. Don't do it. Don't do it to yourself, and don't let other people do it to you.

you think that you know more about being lonely but I get so lonely no one's allowed to hold me

the world is a beautiful place and i am no longer afraid to die

The best way to protect yourself is to be as fluid and formless as water; never bet on stability or lasting order. Everything changes.

THERE IS

LIFE AFTER

MISTAKES

This is the end, isn’t it?
And you are here with me again, listening with me: the sea
no longer torments me; the self
I wished to be is the self I am.

no digas no cuando estoy mirando a las estrellas

son mi versión libre de dios

money won't buy me a sense of closure

You are not lost. You are here. Stop abandoning yourself. Stop repeating this myth about love and success that will land in your lap or evade you forever. Build a humble, flawed life from the rubble, and cherish that. There is nothing more glorious on the face of the earth than someone who refuses to give up, who refuses to give in to their most self-hating, discouraged, disillusioned self, and instead learns, slowly and painfully, how to relish the feeling of building a hut in middle of the suffocating dust.

Confiar no es creer en un dios, ni en un cielo o infierno, ni en una creencia ni en conceptos, teorías o filosofías. 

Confiar significa confiar en la naturaleza de la que provienes y a la que, finalmente regresarás.
La realización viene a través de la naturaleza, no de la sociedad. Llevas tu destino en tu interior, pero es algo inconsciente. Síguelo.

Oh, sweetheart.

Life is overwhelming for you at times, l know. 
Don't listen to the ones who call you over-sensitive or too weak for this world.
Your sensitivity is exquisitely beautiful!
But you must learn to stay close to yourself. 
You must learn to breathe.
To invite curious attention deep into your body.

Allow yourself to feel overwhelmed,
and you won't be overwhelmed, I promise.
It's just a feeling.
A precious part of you longing for love.
It will pass when it's ready. 
Let it stay awhile.

Don't pretend to be strong, the one who has it all 'figured out'.
There will be time for answers soon enough. 
Now, simply give 'the overwhelmed one' safe passage in your heart.
Drench the feeling of overwhelm with gentle attention; bathe it in overwhelming love.

It's okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes, it really is. 
Even the strongest feel overwhelmed, for their strength lies in their vulnerability.

Your sensitive nervous system is perfect, and l love you for it.

And it's all okay, here.
It's really okay, here in the arms
of the present moment.

I just wish that I could live with the fishes I love in their anemone but I'm a turtle, it won't work, I gotta stay out in the current with my house upon my back so I can hide inside of me

I got this vivid vision for my life 

that I see in my head everyday 

and I'm heavily determined 

to fulfill that vision.

You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.

Davros: Compassion, then.

The Doctor: Always.

Davros: It grows strong and fierce in you; like a cancer.

The Doctor: I hope so.

Davros: It will kill you in the end.

The Doctor: I wouldn't die of anything else.

you are so brave 

and quiet 

I forget you are suffering.

The Doctor: Vincent, can I help?
Van Gogh: It’s so clear you cannot help. And when you leave—and everyone always leaves—I will be left once more with an empty heart and no hope.
The Doctor: My experience is that there is, you know, surprisingly always hope.
Van Gogh: Then your experience is incomplete! I know how it will end. And it will not end well.

in many ways they'll miss the good old days
someday, someday
it hurts to say but I want you to stay
sometimes, sometimes
when we was young oh man, did we have fun
always, always
promises, they break before they're made

sometimes the world is dark and cold and no matter what i'm told i'm scared and i'm alone and i'm five years old... will you hold my hand?

quisiera lograr mi corazón coraza

si nadie me ablanda la masa ya nada me atrasa.

quisiera callar esta maldita boca 'e rana

cuanto menos sepan de mi hoy menos podrán prejuzgarme mañana.

tiembla al irse, tiembla al llegar. desde hoy se juró no ser más pánico, sudando pálida y fría, su inminente sensación de muerte. y hoy sufre esta piel que la viste y la abriga... no la aguanta y se derrumba y el temor le arranca vida // abre el frasco y toma esa pastilla y se llena de confianza y bienestar y felizmente, finalmente, duerme...
vuelve abrir los ojos, apenas hoy gastados, sale del espejo y su imagen la persigue. 
tiembla al irse llora al temblarse y se repite que hoy no es hora de morir, al final seguro que se siente otra cosa. hoy nadie va a venir por mí, y sigo dando vueltas a mi alrededor.

first i cried for him, and then i cried for me. haunted by the ghost of the girl i used to be // 
you've come a long long way and you deserve to be really happy

I wish my brother could always be happy, but because he isn't he is strong just like me
he is what I lean on to keep me from collapsing, everyone's relapsing, he's the only crutch I need
the only god I need twins get it for free

I am trying to see things in perspective.
My dog wants a bite of my peanut butter 
chocolate chip bagel. I know she cannot 
have this, because chocolate makes dogs 
very sick. My dog does not understand this. 
She pouts and wraps herself around my leg 
like a scarf and purrs and tries to convince me 
to give her just a tiny bit. When I do not give in,
she eventually gives up and lays in the corner, 
under the piano, drooping and sad. I hope the 
universe has my best interest in mind like I have 
my dogs. When I want something with my whole 
being, and the universe withholds it from me, 
I hope the universe thinks to herself: “Silly girl.
She thinks this is what she wants, but she
does not understand how it will hurt."

anyone watching what really goes on in this world, how fucked up it all is… checking out temporarily, permanently, my darling, it's the only choice that makes any sense.

I inhabit a different body now. Each day, it seems, another self wakes up and heats the coffee. I can distinguish, even gauge, the passage from a disturbed youth to a disturbed adult by the subtle aggressiveness in my anxiety. Sometimes I catch myself sitting on the edge of the sofa, staring into the flickering glare of the television, like a deer on some highway transfixed in shock by the headlights of a car. As these images pass, I can feel them feeding my own inertia. Other times, I am overloaded with a smooth, graceful energy, filled with an almost incomprehensible joy.

I'm tired, boss. Tired of being on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. Tired of not ever having me a buddy to be with, or tell me where we is coming from, or going to, or why. Mostly I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world everyday, there's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head all the time... do you understand?

I just wish that I could live with the fishes I love in their anemone

but I'm a turtle it wont work I've gotta stay out in the current

with my house upon my back so I can hide inside of me

sales a caminar, en un pueblo o en la gran ciudad, 
buscando algo que te conmueva. 
te bombardean con información, carteles, e-mails y fotologs, 
pero tú buscas algo que te conmueva. 
los años pasan y pasan de vos, no te divierte llamar la atención, 
tú buscas algo, de verdad, que te conmueva. 
y si no hay nada tendrás que inventar, que es lo mejor, 
te hace ser vos, vos, vos! 
buscando pares donde ya no hay, lo frívolo te tiene harto, 
tú buscas algo que te conmueva. 
la masa es triste y tú lo serás también, no te mediques, tú no estás loco, 
tú buscas algo, de verdad, que te conmueva
... y si no hay nada tendrás que inventar, que es lo mejor, 
te hace ser vos, vos, vos!  

you were looking down at them, they were looking down at you. you were starched and pressed, they were all disheveled. they were holding hands, they were ragamuffins and they said "I know we're not fancy, but we're on the same level and we've got plans, big plans, we're gonna change the world!" all you care about is dollars, that doesn't make sense. all you do is hit snooze, watch the news, buy shoes, drink booze, make money, feel spent and... day after day after day, it's the same shit. then you looked at them without batting an eye and said "hey little hippie, let your freak flag fly why don't you go smoke a bowl in your best tie dye? get a tattoo of a dancing bear holding a peace sign?". you can talk the talk but when it comes to real change, aren't you and all your little friends exactly the same? you sit around at potlucks pointing fingers, placing blame, drinking kombucha, and eating tempeh and day after day after day, it's the same shit. if you are judging them while they are judging you and you think that makes them assholes, maybe you're an asshole too, do we argue with each other 'til we both turn blue, or find similarities in what we like and what we do? yeah, just because someone does not look like me, doesn't mean that they are a clone or a sheep, maybe they like their job and they're living their dream, and they love their friends and their family. some people thrive between nine and five, and feel like they're choking if their neck's not tied, and some people feel as if they're gonna die if their seams aren't straight and their shoes aren't tied. some people like business, some people like numbers, some people grow organic heirloom cucumbers and only feel free with their hands in the dirt in a pair of old jeans and their favorite t-shirt. some people feel enslaved when they have a boss, some people without one feel totally lost. to make this world work it takes all different kinds, we all have different tastes, different strengths, different minds so it doesn't make sense to generalize and it doesn't make sense to judge with our eyes. we need more compassion, we need to be kind, if you open your heart you might like what you find. cause there are some nice bus drivers, and there's some mean bus drivers, and there are some nice cops in madison, wisconsin, and there's some nice teachers, and there's some mean teachers (just because you have mean teachers, doesn't mean all teachers suck), and no one is nice all the time, no one is mean all the time, think about what someone's going through that's making them be mean to you, like maybe their pet gerbil died and they are really sad inside, or maybe they got in a fight with someone that they really like or maybe they are really shy and don't know how to socialize, they just want to run and hide, not saying that it's justified but if we learn to empathize the resentments will vaporize, situations metamorphize before our very eyes, then the need to stereotype will become outdated when we realize that everyone is really complicated, we are all so complicated, we are all so complicated. i am also complicated, i am also complicated...

ugly is the world we're on

if i'm right then prove me wrong

no one has the time, someone's always late
i look for you and you look for me 
// 
we all have the time, someone's always fed
i look for you, and you look away

I’ve been to a place this dark once before... nearly made the biggest mistake. But what was the mistake? Ever cutting myself in the first place? Or not cutting deep enough?
     “Dear Mum: I am so sorry. I’m so sorry that I fucked everything up. It’s not your fault. I’m not hungry. For the first time in months I don’t care about food. I don’t care about filling the gap by eating or by hurting myself a little. The gap’s too wide now. I tried so hard to be someone everybody could like but no matter how hard I try I’ll always be the same ridiculous, pointless blob. I’ll always hurt people and I’ll always let people down. I’m so sorry, mum. I just hate myself so much more than I could ever love anything.”

"you're so nice and you're so smart, you're such a good friend... i have to break your heart. tell you that i love you, then i'll tear your world apart. just pretend i didn't tear your world apart"

dale tiempo, dale oportunidad
ya va a empezar, ya va a empezar
y ya después no habrá dolor

que alucino tener mil amigos

y después nadie me escucha llorar

¿cuándo va a parar? cae desde el cielo maldición para mí. cuando te agarres de la almohada como que no queda nada y eso es lo último que hay, cuando te pesen más las piernas, cuando todo es una mierda y no hay respuestas para lo que preguntás y es: ¿cuándo va a parar? cae desde el cielo maldición para mí. y es tan difícil, ay, se hace difícil sostener algo cuando todo lo demás se cae. pero un guerrero siempre avanza y la punta de su lanza brilla al sol mientras no deja de pensar en... ¿cuándo va a parar?

i wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you have actually left them

The Doctor: It all just disappears, doesn't it? Everything you are, gone in a moment; like breath on a mirror. Any moment now, he's a coming.

Clara: Who's coming?

The Doctor: The Doctor.

Clara: You, you are The Doctor.

The Doctor: Yes, and I always will be. But times change, and so must I. We all change when you think about it, we're all different people all through our lives, and that's okay, that's good, you've gotta keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be. I will not forget one line of this, not one day, I swear I will always remember when The Doctor was me.

tan quemada ya, quisiera dormir. escaparme de mi carne. los amigos siempre tienen más y aún más. desconexión total pido, de mis sentidos, para así poder descansar. no escucharte más, no escucharme más. quisiera estar en otro lugar, lejos de mí.

TAKE ALL THAT PAIN AND TURN IT INTO LOVE

I thought back to when I was 15, how I was squeaky clean, and I wanted to die. I was feeding the homeless while combating loneliness, all that I could do was keep living a lie.

i'm just a soul whose intentions are good, 

oh lord please don't let me be misunderstood

i am forever changed by who you are and what you mean to me

someday you'll wake up and feel a great pain

and you'll miss every toy you've ever owned

you'll want to go back, you'll wish you were small

nothing can slow the crying

you'll take the clock off of your wall

and you'll wish it was lying

LOVE WHAT YOU HAVE AND YOU'LL HAVE MORE LOVE

you're not dying

everyone knows you're going to love

though there's still no cure for crying

SIN IS HONORING DESIRE ABOVE WHAT YOU KNOW IS RIGHT

dont say you miss me unless you plan to answer when i call. youre a selfish friend, maybe not a friend at all. you might as well erase me from your memories and while youre at it, erase me from your phone. cause im more tired of your excuses than i am of being alone.

espero que no haya sido así desde el comienzo y espero que no lamentes el haberme conocido. espero que no haya dolor dentro de tu corazón porque el mío se cae en pedazos when i'm far away from you 

no señor, el infierno ese del que hablás vos no es peor que esta falta de amor.

BE THE PERSON YOU NEEDED WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER

hallaste el tiempo o la forma de creártelo
y si soy un sueño peleando contra la verdad
el sol que sale me impide ver la realidad. 
pero es hoy la señal, no creo poder hablar, 
no ves que ya crecí y el dolor que no se va
y tres muros de placebo que no puedo recordar, 
no ves que ya me fui de casa...
Dios por favor no me cegués y prometo mis hijos a vos,
no ves que atrás se esconde un alma simple
ya sin luz, la sana luz. 
y encontrando una señal me podrías definir, 
si me das una señal...
y no ves mi atrás, lo que esconde ayer
decime, decime ¿quién soy?
soy... nada.

Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place

my head is pounding I can't stop the pounding I think it is going to explode and kill everybody who's in close proximity to the place I call my home. and they'll make a moving made for tv movie for lifetime all about my life that ends with an epitaph, one that will make you laugh, that says "great mom, okay wife" and it'll be funny to the people who know me who know if my body's not burned my soul will spend an eternity in misery tethered and bound to this earth so I'm not a dick or a stick in the mud always ruining things for my friends. 
I mustn't forget when I see the sun set that tomorrow it will rise again.
so I tattoo instructions on my ass that say "don't ever put this body in a casket burn it and put the ashes in a basket and throw them in the Puget Sound"... I don't ever want to be underground

sometimes it seems like I've got all the answers but the answers aren't the same when the questions keep on changing, like how will I react when I see my father crying every single day cause he is afraid of dying? And how will I contain my anger when delilah plays 'unchained melody' instead of 'lost in your eyes'? And where will I go where I can feel safe when my family sells this place and we all split up and move away? 
I'm trying to be brave cause when I'm brave other people feel brave but I feel like my heart is caving in

NOSTALGIA IS DENIAL. DENIAL OF THE PAINFUL PRESENT. 

it is year 10 and I'm a baby again, I need my friends like I did back then to help me stand, side by side, hand in hand. One day at a time, hand in hand, side by side.
'cause if it's not one thing, don't you know it's another? you can be sober and not recover, and the soul that's hurting just keeps on searching for ways to fill the emptiness but the pit is bottomless;
you can't fill it with hugs, you can't fill it with drugs, you can't fill it with booze, you can't fill it with food, you can't fill it with isolation, you can't fill it with self-mutilation, you can't fill it by always running away, you can't fill it by finally deciding to stay. if you're like me, an addictive personality, then you got to admit that you're powerless over everything you're compulsive with. even if you feel like you reveal not a lot, but there's still things you conceal. Stop living for pretend, live for 'for real', just let it go so you can heal.

Jamás me sentiré demasiado alegre ni demasiado triste, pues tengo más tendencia a analizar que a sentir. La alegría que puedo experimentar se deriva siempre del principio satírico, y mi tristeza no es tanto personal como una inmensa y terrible melancolía ante el dolor y la futilidad de toda existencia.

take this pink ribbon off my eyes, i'm exposed and it's no big surprise. Don't you think I know exactly where I stand? this world is forcing me to hold your hand cause I'm just a girl, a little old me... well don't let me out of your sight. Oh, I'm just a girl, all pretty and petite, so don't let me have any rights. Oh... I've had it up to here!
the moment that I step outside, so many reasons for me to run and hide. I can't do the little things I hold so dear cause it's all those little things that I fear cause I'm just a girl, I'd rather not be cause they won't let me drive late at night... oh! I'm just a girl, guess I'm some kind of freak cause they all sit and stare with their eyes. Oh I'm just a girl, take a good look at me just your typical prototype. I've had it up to here!... Am I making myself clear? I'm just a girl in the world... That's all that you'll let me be.
I'm just a girl, living in captivity, your rule of thumb makes me worry some. I'm just a girl, what's my destiny? What I've succumbed to is making me numb. I'm just a girl, my apologies, what I've become is so burdensome. I'm just a girl, lucky me! Twiddle-dum there's no comparison
Oh... I've had it up to here!

I’m scared I’ll never get better. I’m scared I’ll always stay twisted like this and grow old and waste away.

you look sad when you think he can't see you

I was quiet as a mouse when I snuck into your house and took roofies with your spouse in a nit and out a louse. and lice are lousy all the time, they suck your blood drink your wine, say shut up and quit your crying, give it time and you'll be fine. "you're so nice and you're so smart, you're such a good friend I have to break your heart. tell you that I love you then I'll tear your world apart, just pretend I didn't tear your world apart". I like boys with strong convictions and convicts with perfect diction, underdogs with good intentions, amputees with stamp collections, plywood skinboards ride the ocean, salty noses suntan lotion, always seriously joking and rambunctiously soft-spoken. I like boys that like their mothers and I have a thing for brothers but they always wait til we're under the covers to say 'I'm sure glad we're not lovers'

Accept the fact that you will grow apart from people you’ve had significant relationships with. Understand when someone no longer positively affects your life. Let them go. Don’t hinder your growth.

MY GOAL IN LIFE IS NOT TO WAKE UP AT 40 WITH THE BITTER REALIZATION THAT I HAVE WASTED MY LIFE IN A JOB I HATE BECAUSE I WAS FORCED TO DECIDE ON A CAREER AT MY TEENS.

- ¿Siempre piensas tanto, Charlie?

- ¿Eso es malo? - solo quería que alguien me dijera la verdad.

- No necesariamente. Es que a veces la gente utiliza el pensamiento para no implicarse en la vida.

- ¿Eso es malo?

- Sí.

Mi lista de deseos:

1. Que nadie tenga miedo
2. Que nadie esté perdido
3. Que nadie llore solo en una noche de frío
4. Agua fresca en mi cuerpo
5. Claridad de pensamiento
6. Un abrazo verdadero

La tierra nos da alimentos y nosotros le damos veneno, ¡pidiendo perdón no alcanza!